We came home from the hospital when Maylene was 3 days old. Driving home from the hospital was such an exciting time for us! We were so ecstatic to take our new baby home and start our life with her. My mom was at our house waiting for us to arrive and ready to help with whatever we needed!
I don't know what was wrong with me, but I didn't let her help me enough. I kept trying to do everything on my own, and when the baby would wake up and scream in the middle of the night I would get up every time and not let my mom just take her so I could sleep. I didn't realize what a mistake that was until she left the next week and I was totally on my own. My mom stayed with me 10 days which was amazing! But after she left I was like... waaaaitt! NOOOOoo. I can't do this by myself haha. Clay would help as much as he could when he was home from work, but that really was only for 4-5 hours a day at most.
Don't get me wrong, Maylene was a sweet little baby. I loved her SO so much. But I had a lot of difficulty nursing, along with baby having her days and nights mixed up, and her stomach was SO sensitive, so she was always extremely gassy and fussy. She also had reflux. I loved my baby but there were a lot of days I really didn't understand how and why things were so hard. There were full days where I maybe got 2 hours of sleep. And it was always broken up.. 30 min here, 30 min there. I fell asleep nursing in a chair A LOT. and Maylene would fall asleep too so she would wake up every 20 - 30 minutes to eat again sometimes.
I struggled with producing enough milk, and Maylene struggled with weight gain. This came with a lot of guilt and a lot of me thinking I was a terrible mom. At 2 weeks old she was a pound under her birth weight. I was told to nurse her, supplement her, pump after nursing and feed her every time she acted hungry. ...She acted hungry like every 45 minutes! And would nurse for an hour at times. I was also told to cut out all dairy, eggs, and later was told to cut out peanuts. I litterally felt like I was a cow and my only purpose was to feed a person.
I felt like I had no idea what I was doing. I never knew why she was crying... I knew she was gassy and tired and probably hungry... but she also had the reflux which kept her awake a lot. I was lost and really at wits end. And my biggest mistake was that I didn't ask for help! I was embarrassed that I couldn't handle things on my own. I also was never thinking clearly because I literally never slept haha. Maylene really didn't sleep much either. I tried to "nap when she napped," but that isn't as easy as it sounds. Her naps were so short that I had to decide if I was going to either shower or eat that day. haha.
Honestly her first month of life was one of the hardest months of mine. I loved my baby and knew this was what I wanted, but I was too hard on myself. Every time she cried I thought it was my fault because she wasn't on a schedule, and every night that she stayed awake ALL night long I blamed myself. I really didn't know how people have lots of children and take care of everyone. I could barely take care of one baby and myself.
One night (actually morning, it was 5 am) I was nursing and had been up since 11pm... I felt like I was going to pass out. Like Maylene was literally sucking the life out of me hahha. I couldn't go any longer without sleep or Clay was going to find me passed out on the floor. So I asked Clay to call in from work and take care of her and go to the store for me. I felt so stupid that I couldn't handle things, but I didn't know what else to do!
Now that this stage is over I really wish I could re-do my first month. Let's face it, I was a little out of my mind. I wish I could tell myself to:
- relax- this newborn phase really does not last long. your sweet tiny baby is going to be so big So soon.
-don't worry about doing any type of routine or schedule. If it's not working right now, it's not working. Things will fall into place in their own time.
- ask for help! get some sleep lady.
- don't compare yourself to other moms. This is your first baby. you are learning how to do everything for the first time, and learning how to sacrifice all of your time to one sweet little girl.
- don't stress about nursing. if it's not working then just stop! If bottle feeding is easier and works better for you and baby, JUST DO IT.
- it's okay if the baby cries sometimes. If you've done everything you possibly can, just let her cry and take a shower today. Or eat an actual meal other than wheat thins in your bed. haha.
Hopefully with my next baby I'll read this post and try to remember what a special time it is. And even through all of the hard times, it was still such a special time. Nothing brings you greater joy than rocking your precious baby to sleep and staring at such a sweet face knowing YOU MADE THIS HUMAN BEING! So even though there were a lot of hard days, and even though I watched the sun rise pretty much every morning, I always knew she was absolutely worth it.
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